Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
