Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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