Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I need water and some morals
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
