take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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