walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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