he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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