im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
