Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
