In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
