Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
