Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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