he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
