I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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