I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
