Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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