I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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