So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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