gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
