i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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