Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
