I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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