upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize