mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
