I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Fuck me I smell like cheese
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
