worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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