It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
