My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
