Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
