In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
