Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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