EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
