"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Well I just put wine in my tea
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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