mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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