just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You were trust falling into bushes
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
