Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
