The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
