There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize