I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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