Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
