Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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