Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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