Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
