awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize