I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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