just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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