dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
