2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
id be glad to
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
