Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
