My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
