What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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