everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
