I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
