Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize