I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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