Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
