Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
