My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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