Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
