Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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