god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
