Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm at about main and main street
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
