Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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