I puked a lego.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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